Kids: Evil or lovable?

I have to go in a little early today because Naz is talking to a school full of kids about the work we do. Now, I told him that I'd rather not do it because kids at junior school level terrify me. The last time I went to do an interview with a class full of 9 year olds was when the youngsters at Newbold Junior School took part in a firework safety initiative. We'd just got a new minidisc player and it wouldn't work, so whilst I was their fumbling around with it, doing a great impression of a dad who can't work a video recorder, the teacher made them recite their 8 x tables! She might as well have kicked me in the nuts! All the kids just stared at me which was most unnerving. If only I'd known the power children have over adults when I was a kid I'd have got more Star Wars figures...

It's a late one as well tonight because Chesterfield are playing Chester in the Johnstones Paint Trophy (why didn't they just come out and call it the Tin Pot Tournament?). Speaking of football, another great defeat for Leeds last night, didn't see that one coming. Thank god we didn't get promoted last season, we'd still be looking for our first goal.

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"How many of yoos lot know that song by Blackfoot Sue, "I'm Standing in the Road", was penned by the burley physio of non-league Farnborough Town" (Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite)

Duncan Goodhew

Me and Jen had a little chat before going to bed last night and somehow the conversation turned to former Olympic swimmer Duncan Goodhew. Jen said he was closer to 40, I think he's closer to 50, so I thought I'd settle this here and now, the prize: Bragging rights! I'll just open another window and find out his age, so here we go...

OKay then, Duncan Goodhew is...

49 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!

Hurrah, victory for the home 11!!!

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Unemployment's rising in the Chigley end of town and it's spreading like pneumonia, doesn't look like going down." (Trumpton Riots)

I can't bring myself to say this, but...

I alluded to the disintegration of my courage last week, unable to sleep without the landing light on just because Jen is away for the week. I think it's extended to my musical tastes as well because I've found myself quite liking the new Take That song. Now let's get one thing straight from the off, I hated all five of them in their previous guise and found myself looking to the heavens when talk of a new single came out but it's quite good. I'm well pleased they're number one ahead of that smug git Williams (christ, I'm beginning to sound like a Take That fan now). I've not seen the video but hopefully they're all sitting on stools and then normal service will resume and I'll hate them again.

The one they gave Williams

Good to see Leeds finally scrape an away win and I see Eddie Lewis has decided he wants to play football again. Welcome back Eddie! Robbie Blake's been great since Dennis Wise told him he was fat, maybe he should try telling David Healy he's lazy and see if it snaps him out of his coma. However, on the down side it looks like we're crap at cricket again, maybe we should get the Aussies to bowl underarm?

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"When I was walking down my local store, searching for a 10 pence off lenor" (F*ckin' 'ell, it's Fred Titmus)

Now I remember why I don't eat kebabs

A much calmer weekend, partly due to the absence of work of any kind, but also just the one big night this time. I'm not as young as I used to be and the beer catches up with me much faster but it was an entertaining night at the Polish Ex-Serviceman's Club in Sheffield to celebrate Jill's (a friend of Jen's family) 60th. There was curry, two Barbershop quartets, a very good band and lots of beer. There was also one of those amazing coincidences, Jen said one of her friend's parents (Melody who now lives in Holland) might be there and she'd not seen them for some time. About 15 minutes into the party and man walked in who I recognised as the electrician at Peak, where I work. It was only Melody's dad! Anyway, a very nice night, which is where the kebab came in.

It looked a lot nicer last night

I wish I'd ordered chips and the worst thing was having to throw away what was left, revisiting the scene and smell. Never again...

Just watched Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest and enjoyed it. Not as good as the first but pleny of fun and Jonny Depp is superb once again, sets it up very nicely for a third intallment. I can smell the unmistakable aroma of bangers and mash so must dash, I need something to banish the memory of that monstrosity last night.

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"But he also gave us Una Stubbs" (God Gave Us Life)

Three generations of Towers!!!

Me, Amy (little sister), Nan and Dad

Had a visit from my dad, sister, nan and Lyn today, met them straight from work at Ringwood Hall in Chesterfield. My Nan lives in Eastbourne and hadn't seen our wedding venue before, she's also never seen my house because she normally travels up to see my dad in Harrogate by coach. It is a long journey so it was nice for her to finally see the old homestead. Sounds like they had a good day, went to Leeds in the morning, Matlock in the afternoon, then to Bakewell and onto my place. Not bad for a days work.

So the loan transfer deadline has passed. Just as well Leeds got rid of Paul Butler, after all a slow 34 year old former international central defender who's well past his prime has no place at Elland Road...

Ugo Ehiogu, a slow 34 year old former international central defender who's well past his prime with the kind of tackle fans at Elland Road have been used to recently from one Paul Butler

Still, at least we've signed a Barnet striker to soften the blow, eh!

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"They've been cooking on Blue Peter and they're sampling the dishes, 'I don't normally like tomatoes John, but this is delicious" (99% of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd)

Night night...

A bit worried about the ashes...

Cricket's not my favourite sport but it's difficult not to get excited about the ashes. Our chances of retaining might not be great but the thought of beating the Aussies in their own backyard will fill me with the bulldog spirit for the next, however many months. However, I'm a bit concerned that some of our hopes seem to hinge on a fictional character...

'Bottle' from Button Moon

Andrew Strauss

Let's just hope he doesn't decide to follow Mr Spoon.

I watched the latest episode of "Torchwood" this evening, the one called 'Countrycide' and I have to say I am enjoying this series. This one was a particular surprise as there was a complete absence of aliens which made it all the more terrifying. I never thought the phrase "because it made me happy" could be so frightening. Anyway, long may it continue and I look forward to next week's installment.

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"He swallowed every last pill and he laid back on his duvet, a Halib Orange overdose is perhaps not the right way to oooooooh, ooooooooh, to kill yourself" (Sealclubbing)

Night, night...

What a weekend!!!

Bloody hellfire! A couple of great nights combined with having to work on Saturday and Sunday, plus succumbing to the cathode ray drug that calls itself "Lost" meant that Monday pretty much went by unnoticed. Lets start with the Calendar launch on Friday night...

Jen, Josh and Naz

Becky, Chris and Jen trying to get out of the way

Hmmm

All I remember after the bottom photo was taken was having trouble finding the toilet at 4 in the morning. When we woke up the next morning we found the computer chair on the floor and the wardrobe door open! I had to do a sports show the next day, the first hour of which I only have vague recollections of (apart from my boss coming in in a worse state than I was). Fortunately Saturday night was a much more civilised affair, Simon and Rachel coming over from Alderly Edge for a meal and beers. Unfortunately I couldn't get the Sunday off but didn't let it stop me having a good time, just made sure a Dandelion and Burdock punctuated every 4th Becks.

Si, Rachel and Jen

However, it made getting up at 7.30 am a little more difficult and, once again the first couple of news bulletins could have contained pretty much anything. But, it was nothing a sausage sandwich couldn't fix and the beer monkeys had been kind enough to leave a few quid to remedy the situation. The rest of the day was sorted out with roast pork, Robin Hood, Casualty and Spooks, the latter three courtesy of Teleport!

Shouldn't ramble on too much, got my slashedopen blog to update so if you'd all like to move along there in an orderly fashion, one at a time please...

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"And I don't know anyone who puts peaches on their corn flakes either." ( Reasons to be Miserable Part 10)

Why?

I hear that Madonna is planning to adopt another Malawian baby and it's difficult not to get a littel cynical about motives at this point. She's not stupid and appeared angry at some of the negative comments she got, if she truly was annoyed at this then why has she said she plans to do it again? Because it's set tongues wagging. The Material Girl knows the same amount of publicity will come her way and that's what she's always craved.

Plenty of people have banged on about the amount of good she's done and that she's done a good deed but adopting one Malawian child isn't going to help. It's the equivalent of trying to help countries affected by famine by taking one of them out to dinner, the problem remains but one person is better off. Of course the big winner is Madonna because we're all talking about her, although one thing does bother me. Rocco and Lourdes have such weird names so why adopt a child from the other side of the world called Dave?

Got a big weekend of drinking to look forward to, there's the calendar launch tomorrow night in Chesterfield. It's a naked calendar in aid of The Genesis Appeal, raising money for research into the prevention of Breast Cancer. I'm in it, along with my male colleagues at work, a picture where we're all taking part in a tug of war. It was a strange and possibly traumatic experience that involved stripping to my bare arse in the middle of a farmers field at the end of October to have a photo taken. What made it even worse is that because I'm near the back and it was taken front on, all you can see is my head. I could have had a boiler suit on and still looked naked so I went through all that for nothing. Of course it wasn't for nothing, it is a good cause and we hope to top last years total of £22,000.

Then Rachel and Simon are coming over on Saturday night and me and Si normally get through a lot of beers. Unfortunately I'm down to work on Sunday morning, but I'm going to see if I can get out of it, maybe talk one of the freelancers into covering for me. There'll certainly be lots to talk about during my next session of bloggage!

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Apart from on commentary where else on earth can you hear the word 'aplomb' being used?" (Keeping Two Chevrons Apart)

Certainly not during general conversation...

Night, night

What am I turning into?

I used to be able to watch the scariest horror films, frighten myself with reading tales of terror and revel in listening to spooky ghost stories but I'm beginning to doubt myself. Jen's away with work this week and I've turned into a complete wet lettuce. I've found that, unless Jen is there with me, I have to sleep with the landing light on! Every person who passes by talking outside is about to break into my house, the people laughing as they take a late night stroll are all trying to steal my car and whenever my neighbours move around next door, it's a madman creeping up the stairs. I need to get a grip of myself!

The creature you see on the left was outside my bedroom door last night, until I turned the light on and it turned into a woodlouse. I even had a dream last night that I blew up my place of work by opening a bottle of milk, I never used to have dreams like that! Please come back Jen, I love you...

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Brian Moore's head look uncannily like London Planetarium" (Dickie Davis Eyes)

London Planetarium

Brian Moore

Another managerial casualty...

Davros
Yes, another day, another managerial casualty, this time it is the angel-faced one, formerly of Charlton. Seeming a strange one to me as the club have only lost once in their last 4 outings I was struggling to work out what the boards aims for the season were. Europe? They're still in the Carling Cup! Safety? It's not even the middle of November and the panic buttons are pushed. My theory is that they've been watching BBC3's sci-fi weekend instead of BBC1's Match of the Day and realised who's been managing the side for the last six months...

Ian Dowie

Now he's out of contract and looking for more work we can expect an iminent appearance on Doctor Who.

I was happily driving in to work this morning, minding my own business when I noticed two, what can only be described as chavs about to cross the road at the traffic lights ahead of me. They looked the other way (baring in mind this was a dual carriageway) but not in my direction so I carried on assuming they'd realise their mistake when they saw a Saxo approaching at 40mph. They carried on and I was about 20 metres away from them when the realisation hit me that they weren't going to stop. I had to slam on the breaks but I hit one of them, or rather his side hit my car and completely smashed the wing mirror. The little shit (who looked drugged up in all honesty and completely oblivious to the fact that I could have killed him) just pointed at the wing mirror, laughed and walked off.

Now this opens up that little moral dilemma of would you stop if you hit someone or would you drive off. We all like to think we'd help, but now I'm positive I'd stop because all I could think of when I drove off, still astonished that these two little turds were laughing, was how I'd like to pull over and ring his bloody neck. I could have been up in court and had somebody's death on my conscience just because he wasn't looking where he was going. I look both ways when I leave my house, let alone cross a dual carriageway during rush hour!

Anyway, rant over, time for HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT LYRIC OF THE DAY:

"Under bridges, over bridges to our destination. Careful with that spliff Eugene, it causes condensation." (Time Flies By)

The logic is infallable.

It's not the winning...

Went to the dogs on Saturday night, partly to celebrate Emma and Neil's engagement (congratulations to both of them), but also to see if our luck was in. It wasn't! Me and jen won the princely sum of £1.63, of course I use the term 'won' loosely because I've not factored in the £30 or so we spent/gambled/pissed up the money tree in the process. However, good fun had by all.

Not the best one to back!

Still, it paved the way for a lazy Sunday (do they come any other way?) with just Jen, the TV and Teleport as company, not forgetting lamb chops. Shame the dark spectre of work loomed as nightfall fell like Didier Drogba in the penalty area.

Half Man Half Biscuit Lyric of the Day...

"There is nothing better in life, than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro."

To true my friends, too true...

This is me!

Actually it's me and my fiancee Jen, a bit worse for where during the last New Year's Eve party round our place.

I'm a journalist and budding writer just passing a few moments by pouring my life story onto the screen on a day to day basis just to see what all the fuss is about. Thought it might give my sister Jackie, currently living in Australia a chance to find out a bit more than the bi-monthly or less e-mail that may come her way. My friends can find out more as well 'cos I'm notoriously bad in keeping in touch with people. It's also a way to get a few things off my chest!

You can also check out my sister blog, Slashedopen, where I muse a bit about the latest horror film I may have seen, book I've read or short story I might have written. So many people I know have got one of these and now I've got two!

Anyway, keep well and I'll see if I can keep this up for more than three weeks before teh novelty wears off.

Bye!!!